Those close to me know that the last three months in prep for this marathon have been dark. I have a had an injury that has stopped me from training according to the grand plan I’ve followed for the last 20 marathons. I have been debating in my head and out loud whether or not I would even do it or if that my days of marathoning are over.
The lovely conflation of my own aging and working too much have created a perfect storm of excuses to bail, fail or wail. Ask my husband, it hasn’t been pretty.
Do you find yourself in a space of self-doubt like this? I have no rational reason to doubt myself like this- heck, the worst-case scenario is I would have taken a 6-hour walk around one of the most amazing cities on the planet and finished in the company of the man of my dreams. I live a blessed life. This marathon smacked me a bit to adjust the balance. Shit happens to everyone. My work industry is disruptive- it will always be in a constant state of chaos. While special, I’m not “exempt-from-crap” special. So the balance adjustment… Sure, I will get stressed. I have to stop having that stress control me by having the balance of those things that are positive (and vastly more frequent) be my focus. In the event you see me acting as though the rain cloud hovers over just me, call me out.
So back to this marathon. Stunning. It completely thrashed my foot. Dig into my Facebook posts if you want to see evidence and a video of me popping one of FOUR nasty blisters.
Enjoy this snapshot, and NO- I didn’t take a picture of the inner thighs. I’m a narcisSissy- blogger, but not THAT much the narcissist. Five days later and my chaffed crotch has turned crusty and itchy (yeah, TMI). I’ve stopped bleeding when walking. But I did it! No real training. No base of miles. I pushed myself for 4 hours and 38 minutes and ran -walked-shuffled 26.2 miles. The impossible was possible. I also met a guy doing his 700th and another guy doing his 200th marathon. I’m not a slacker at 21 of these… but jeepers creepers that’s amazing.
There are other places in my life where this thinking (with this logic) can be challenged. I love that vacation pulls this out of me. I am also digging that the cycles of integration have become shorter. Years ago I might have an insight that would often fade as I get back to my “normal” world. I have thought about why this is so. I have an amazing partner. My team is strong. My business partners are loyal and supportive. I am skilled. Today I get to think and leap: I have people who catch me every time.
I ruminate sometimes that I / we are much less than a speck- a bug in a vast pile of bugs. At times I even feel like this bug trapped under a glass. But let me tell you about this bug. This little bastard was tossed out of the house 4-5 times into the rain only to find its way back into the house. And why not? It was a nice house. Warm. Dry. Well lit. His persistence paid off. By the time I was ready to squish it, it stopped raining and he flew off on his merry way. I’m going to embrace being that persistent bug. Don’t squish me.
OK, so while the run was “awesome” – stunning, well supported and completed- what is more awesome is that through grit, hard work, some luck and lots of love, I am able to take this time to reflect and plan for the 22nd marathon, the continued adventures of life and reflect on the blessings in my life. Many of you who glance at this are part of that crew, so thank you. Thank You. THANK YOU!