Chapter 4- Covid Lessons
Fuck You Covid
I’m changing my “Thank you, Covid” tune of the other day. I’m done with you. I sure hope you are done with me.
Having done absolutely no research or reading on the matter and having had the fully sucky version of Covid, I’m now an expert. No questions asked. My facts are THE facts. Sure, my symptoms are waning – the fatigue is less, the phlegm kept to a trickle by Mucinex and the aches abated by Advil- so it is now time to break the love-hate relationship with Covid & lean into the disdain of Covid Times. The relationship had felt ambiguous because I had avoided you, Covid – but now that we are sleeping together – you suck. You suck in bed – you suck at everything.
Sure, there have been things I’ve loved about these past two years. There are many, many things I’ve done and loved during covid times, covid. But that’s me. That is due to the people and places I’ve enjoyed them with. That’s because of Chris. It has nothing to do with you, Covid. Yeah,- Covid. Fuck You. I hate you. Thanks, Covid? Thanks for nothing. You are like a viral contagion that messes things up. Yep, just exactly like that.
Accentuate the positive? Sure, we all (mostly) believe that in these times of political contention and social media cesspooling that it is key to our collective mental health that we find the positive in all things. We are to drop the ego and focus on the now, to embrace the joy and not fletch and fire a second arrow of anger caused by covid. I’ve just spent the better part of 5 day bed-bound – two of which were highlighted by joint pain throughout my body and night sweats that got my head spinning. Literally, I’m still having dizzy spells throughout the day. Thanks, Covid – you asshole. The only thing positive about you is that there is an anti viral. Quit mutating you fickle SOB.
Fine. I suspect you will come back or stick around- but for now, I wanted to be clear about why you should go fuck yourself. Here is a list, Covid – now fuck off:
- The way you confused my coffee shop with taped arrows on the floor that made no sense, and then suddenly you were gone ish – but people still glare at the random people laughing maskless. Without the arrows, I became confused again about where to stand and wait. Stay or go. Quit your waffling. You give waffles a bad name.
- Social Distancing – you meant that, didn’t you? Extroverts should line up and sucker punch your receptor-specked face all day. It’s PHYSICAL distancing, you jackass. You and your introverts coup d’etat – if you wanted to go off and do quiet time, you didn’t have to drag the entire global population with you. You do you. Just stop doing us harm, you POS.
- Here’s a list in a list -just so you get the point -Fuck you, because:
- The way you made joggers – outside – ALONE – think we had to wear a mask.
- For the way you turned the nice neighbor who cared about the community plants into a total jerk – barking at people because they were not being covid careful enough.
- Hand sanitizer containers were everywhere, but ½ of them were empty or smelled like crappy tequila.
- You are killing public transportation – hurting the people who depend on it and threatening one of the easiest ways to improve our climate.
- Standing in line at a drugstore? Yeah, no thanks.
- Trader Joe’s in the lockdown days? It was like the Hunger Games trying to get my lavender salt scrub.
- Hugs. They used to be casual, not consensual potential viral exchanges based on mitigating factors of risk. You are like negotiating gay sex in the 90s without the gay sex. Boring. I miss my casual hugs.
- No smell? No taste? What is a foodie to do because of you? Are you aware of what you did to the restaurant, food, and wine industries?
- Toilet paper. You are shit and cause shit storms.
- Handshakes. Ok, you can have them. They kinda grossed me out. I mean,… I know where I put my hands.
- Toddlers in masks? You should be ashamed of yourself. Children’s smiles and laughter are liquid sunshine you systemic storm cloud of stupid.
- Supply Chain- you figure it out. No one else seems to be able to.
- You stoke race-baiting and amplify political differences among the sheeple people and the people people.
- Concerts? Ever heard of them?
- Chilaquiles at the Farmer’s Market – yeah, you crushed that dream too. You are like a yappy chihuahua or the homeless guy who smells of urine and feces next to a food truck. Line ’em up!
- Meeting a stranger at dinner – bar seating- and sharing stories of travel. Remember what that was like? Yeah, me either you prick.
- Travel. We WERE the people that did an epic trip yearly to, well… ANYWHERE… and we didn’t have kids so we could go big on travel and not stay home. Now we get to die without any offspring to wipe our butts and we don’t explore hidden Europe.
- PPE shortages and what you did to the medical community? Someone needs to assist your suicide.
- Diverting global resources to deal with you rather than dealing with equity, poverty, climate change, and reparations. You are a conniving Mother F’er.
- Hotels – yeah, you made that a lot of fun. I’d call you a douchebag, but that would be insulting to douchebags.
For all the reasons above, beyond, and before you that drive us crazy and apart, you suck. Before you? Sure- I’m going to blame you, Covid, for crappy stuff that had nothing to do with you. AIDS is your fault. Trump – you did that. Gun violence? You too, boo. You shoot babies in school. Why NOT blame you? You get credit for good things you had ZERO- NADA – ZILCH- to do with, like increases in community gardening or hiking. DoorDash- not you. Pets. . You are getting credit for more pets. Screw you- those animals were already there.
You are a racist. Seriously, Covid – you are prejudiced and bigoted. You amplify disparities in class. You disproportionately affect minorities and the poor. Your treatments are baselined against a white-centered medical system and thereby less effective in the communities that need treatments the most. You are like the Hitler of viruses. No – you are the love child from a Pol Pot, Hitler, Mussolini, Pinochet, Lenin, Stalin gang bang, in a Satin-worshiping orgy masquerading as a NOVEL Sars music love fest in a flowery field of pharmaceuticals. Sorry, I shouldn’t hold back so much.
You wipe me out. I’m exhausted. Literally – it’s day 7 and I still can not put in a full day of work or even think of exercise, sexercise, or going outside without wondering when I will nap.
Speaking of which, I’m going down for one now. Ten hours from now, when I wake from this nightmare, you’d better be on your way out. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out – oh – and use your elbows or a napkin if you are going to touch the knob, you slob.